My Chinese New Year

In this journey, this is my last article. Perhaps after I stabilize my life, I will keep writing it. This Chinese New Year, I learned how to inject medicine into my father and test his blood sugar. I learned some knowledge about cancer and diabetes which my father suffer from. Right now, he recovers very well. Unfortunately, I lost myself in this incident.

Just like before, I studied in school, got together with friends, had a reunion with family, ate, and slept. I pretended I was fine and nothing happened during last semester. Unfortunately, I lost myself. I was the first one to listen to doctor to diagnose that my father suffered from cancer. I knew it is fate, so I was so calm in order to deal with it well. I even could not imagine that I could stand that. Finally, I passed that by using my strong will. However, I found out that I do not have faith at the time. I always encourage my friends and family to find out the passion from our minds. It probably is the love, family, wealth, or something they thirst to gain. When I face any challenge and question, I always fight for it by myself and rely on my strong will to pass them. But, this time, I am so tired. It does not mean if I have enough strong will or ability, I can pass it. It means that I am weak. Nevertheless, there is still one thing we can trust－faith. I respect religion but I do not have religion in my mind. This winter vacation, I saw a movie “The Rite”. It discusses about faith, belief and unbelief. It inspired some thoughts. It does not mean that I need to be devoted to a religion. It means that I need to find out the faith. Previously, my belief is my family. What I need right now is the faith which can support me and cheer me up.

Right now, right here, I still do not comprehend what I need to pursue to be my faith. I just know belief is a kind of energy which I need to protect, but the faith can feed back to me. I only am normal human being. I still need some things or somebody to cheer me up. As a result, my first step is to leave. To leave the place which I easily gain the comfort is the first way. If I would like to come back, it is simple; otherwise, if I would like to make a decision, it is hard to do. After I graduated from junior high school, I experienced many part-time jobs until I went to serve the military. At the time, I was a workaholic. The affection I have already forgotten for a long term. I need to grasp it back. The spirit of warrior is what I should experience again. To be accustomed to getting alone is the first condition to be a warrior. I need to forget that I was a knight. Being alone can cultivate my desire back and compress the energies. The soft whisper and good words is a kind of obstacles which halt my thought. These several months, I talk with my mind. I chat with some friends. I just like listening to their stories and soothe them. Sometimes I am jealous of thme, because they know how to release their press. For me, the only way can save me is by myself.

I am so apologetic that I do not say goodbye to all of you in person. It is a painful decision. I am really too tired to handle any extra feeling. To be lonely is the only way I get used to taking to overcome. I need some time to recover my spirit. Hope could forgive my leaving. I will miss you all of you. I deeply appreciate that you give me the priceless memories.

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